It was May 21st that she took her last breath. Never really understood what life looked like with out her until I was holding her in my arms, saying her name, and she didn't respond with the simple YESSS Dez or I'm awake chocolate chip. I remember the morning very vividly and the hours leading up to that morning and while it feels like a nightmare most of the time today I had my first awakening. Sitting in the place where she laid and holding my son I felt the most warm embrace that I have felt in a long time. As he bounced and laughed I couldn't help but cry knowing that her presence was there. She whispered in my ear saying I'm still here honey and so proud of you.... thats was February 11th..
Life Changes happen that create opportunity to grow. Over the last 9 months we have traveled to see her resting place, had a new born who is transitioned to 8 months and soon to be walking, purchased a home, filed taxes on a business that started as hobby and did we mention went back to work to realize that our passion is to just spend every waking moment see our son grow. Children have a way of taking your life and changing it to the will of the Lord versus the will of your own. Thats of course a great thing knowing that its not in our plan but it's in his. As I am writing this looking at the hour knowing the time will come that my mind will drift to the 2:30am waking and 3:11 moment. Many never know what death feels like until they experienced it. Being a paramedic, fire fighter, police officer or doctor are probably the only jobs you could ever have to know what Life and Death feel like. Well until you walk in my shoes.. The good night was just like any other good night... a simple "I love you mom mom i'll see you in the morning but let's pray." She rested peacefully next to my grandfather who was sleeping comfortably. I to lazy to climb the stairs made my self comfortable on the couch and listened to them both snore through the monitor that we had set up because I wanted to be ready and in position just in case someone was thirsty, had to use the bathroom, or just wanted to chat. I remember in the bible there was a moment where Jesus was in the garden and he asked his desciples to stay woke and pray. He had to ask them multiple times because each time they drifted into a deep sleep. You never know what might becoming by night or by day but it is important to be in position. Well as the night went on I to drifted until my grandfather came and said son can you help me get your grandmother up and thats when the Lord shifted me to be in a position that I didn't feel I was ready for. So as I wiped the crust out of my eyes I walked in the room and the lights were on and my grandmother was sitting up trying to scoot to the edge of the bed. Smiling all along the way and chuckling as we both would do because she still had her pep in her step even through the sickness. I spoke and said, "Mom you ready to move." she responded, "Dez, yessss". As a wrapped my arms around her like I normally would she wrapped hers around me. Embracing the hug I helped lift her to her feet and in that moment... the weight shifted and I heard the breath. It became shallow and her body became heavy. I quickly sat her down and put my ear to hear her breathing having my grandfather go get some orange juice hoping that her sugar had just became low. It was just me and her in the room and I began to speak to her in the most calm fashion and thats when I heard it.. the Last Breath and her eyes closed.... Fight or Flight kicked in and I calmly had my grandfather call 911, and began to perform CPR. Opening her air passage and moving to the beat of the operator. Compressing her chest I felt the bones begin to crack through the rib cage and I knew that the Lord had received my grandmother home at 3:11 am. I remember the time because I was told to count to 500 and I tried to be smart and use a watch forgetting it was only 60 seconds on a watch but the time stuck out and thats what mattered. The ambulance came and they went through the process to try to revive. I quietly stood up and called my mother to come to the house. As we arrived at the hospital I was numb and in shock... to this day I still am. I still feel the cracking, and see her looking up at me, and hear the last breath. But last week I heard my grandmothers voice as clear as day saying one word. LIVE. Through life's journey's, struggles, hard times, great times, sad times, and just confused times my grandmother always encouraged me to LIVE. I remember when I was younger she would say, "Baby when the Lord brings me home I just want you to LIVE YOUR LIFE because I have lived mine and I am truly satisfied in what he has allowed me to see." So today as I board this plane I am going to climb up through the clouds to visit but not to stay but to help others do what you encouraged me to do LIVE.
Letter I wrote to my Grandmother yesterday: Your Double Chocolate chip is doing great, he is eating everything that comes towards his mouth and today we purchased him his first pair of stride rites, He loves people just like you and has a personality like no other. Mom-mom I miss you dearly and never knew that I would be writing like this. But, hey its not our plans its God's plan and because of that we rejoice in knowing that we were apart of the plan. Our business is doing great def since the focus changed and as I told you we are taking care of your honey while he still attempts to keep taking care of us. He has developed an excellent bond with his great grandson and lights up when I bring him by the house. All and all things are okay and will continue to get better. Just have to stay the course. I love you and ill talk to you later.